I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
