If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize