I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We just shotgunned beers for America
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
