When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
