I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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