I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
