I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
