I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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