ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
