So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
