I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
