so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
