Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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