I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Of course I have a pirate flag
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
