A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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