So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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