the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
