If that was your dad, he is hot
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
