peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
