why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
