Your mouth is God's brothel.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
