So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
