so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i think my mom watched the whole time
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
