Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
