Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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