i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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