you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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