A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
