I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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