Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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