Swine flu. Run for my life!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
