I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
