Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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