I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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