im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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