and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
