We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
