I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
