I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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