and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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