So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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