I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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