So drunk its hurt
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
