Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
