a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
