i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
