Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
