i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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