Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This baby is an asshole
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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