....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
