I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
