Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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