All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
