I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
