WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When did angry sex become our thing?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
