Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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